Monday, March 14, 2011

I Could Write More

Don't think I can't write more... but I feel like I am the type of person, if there ever was one, that has a number of skills for which I am proud of, yet I will be soon living without a direction. I will focus this on my writing. I enjoy writing and I hope that you all reading this, whether it's your first time visiting my blog or you've been following for a bout as long as you can stand... a month..maybe, that you can enjoy it too. I try to keep it on a level field for those who may or may not know cycling, and what I am talking about at all. I want everyone to have something gained from reading any given post, however idealistic that mat be.

That being said, (I'm huge for "prefaces" as they allow for me to say whatever I want to say thereafter) I am happy to keep writing and all, but as an up and coming graduate, I would hope you all understand my uncertainty of the future. I know that over time things will eventually workout and I will get a job that will allow me to afford to live in a place on my own and that, again, I will eventually be able to support (or at least hit 50/50) a beautiful family with a beautiful wife and live the dream I have been so lucky to be given a front-row seat to my whole life. I very much appreciate the family and parents that I have been adopted into... don't even get me started. Ask me for more information and I will be happy to explain further.

Nevertheless, this doesn't mean that I do not have to work for what I want. I have the understanding that in order to aspire for great things, some other things may have to be sacrificed. As a cyclist, I dearly hope that my sacrifice will not have to be the bike. Maybe what I fear the most happening is just what I imagine happening - thinking about having to go back to the moving company I worked for two summers ago. I know I got good work and money (arguably not enough) there and some perks due to some "smarts," but it took my physical life out of my bike. I didn't race (forgetting how scared I was to race back then) and I was simply exhausted coming home from those long hours.

That is all I feel like I can get when I graduate in early May. Am I mistaken? I don't mean to place any shadow of doubt upon this blog, but I do not think I will feel like I'm "on top of the world" upon graduation. I might just be too much of a realist for that kind of thinking. Previous graduates have already ruined me by telling me that the feeling of one being on top of any world is a short-lived affair. In my mind, why even bother with it? I have already been applying to numerous jobs and internships. And that's just it. I started out looking at well paying jobs to then looking at only "paid" internships. Now I am afraid I should look for any type of distraction to my summer that can, at some level, be put on paper - paid or not. Where to start...

What interests me? I don't think I'm at the privilege to look for something that interests me yet. I am just another "starving grad," willing to pick up anything the good employees might throw me. I have got steep competition and bottomless ego to fill. I guess I might have to hit the bottom of that pit to really find what I am capable of, but what about my capabilities that I'm fully aware of right now?

I can write, right? I am no english major, I don't know "mechanics," and I have no idea where to start. This blog I certainly something I am proud of and that I will mention in cover letters, but I am fairly confident it gets me nowhere (confidence indeed). Again, I don't mean to toss my negativity on this blog.

Let me think of the positives. Well, I will be graduating after 4 years, (the average is now 5? 6!? whatever that means anyway) I will have a minor as well, (probably should have gone with the double major) and I have served as the president of a club (no one knows what I do). Okay. I've got a few things going for me. As I see it, I could readily blog, promote, and help a business or organization from wherever they are. I like to think I understand what the "youth" wants to hear. Do I? No clue, folks.

I am simply uncertain of the future. I feel like I should start from scratch in order to really figure out what I am capable of. However, I don't want to be someone who manifests a passion for the first thing that I can have pick me up. I have passions. I understand they may not be enough to make it in the real world, but they mean something to me. Just like how I believe my feelings for another human being are meaningful and not something to be wasted. I am a passionate person with a purpose- always to better myself and others. I do believe that I will find some job that will meet my needs and wants at least at a half way point sometime in the furture. I know I cannot expect that to start off, but I have ambitions for myself. That's nothing to be shy about.

I do not want to ever feel like my time has been wasted. Am I wrong to expect that I will not allow myself to ever be a dish washer? Maybe. I really don't know. I have been a lucky lad, sure, but I have not been one that has not learned the value of myself and my skills. I will keep diligent to apply for jobs and internships. I will trust my gut and my intuition for myself and trust my decisions and diligence to get through college. This seems to be a lot of what I can hang on to. I can only say so much on paper.

Further, I believe I have a winning personality. I have confidence and charm. I believe in myself as often as I can and I know I can apply my diligent work ethic to whatever task I am given. I am probably too idealistic to think I will be able to land a job that I will have the ability to ride and race as much as I would like while making enough money. My youthful chance to develop into a notable professional rider for the U.S. has long passed and I am okay with that (as much as I can be). Yet, I still know I can be at least a local pro level rider at some point and that I have the passion to make something of myself from this passion I have developed. I know it is a passion when it has me writing this much about it, spending this much time within it, (with no pay mind you) and certainly hoping to have it in my future almost (it's a slim margin) as much as I hope to have a lovely, beautiful, caring, understanding, (I'm a cyclists after all) strong wife.

I have to look to the future at this point. Whether it is an innate, human characteristic, or simply society-fed; I am anxious about my future. "Live in the present." I know. And I do as much as I can, folks. Where does that leave me? Still looking for a job. When I say, "I can always go back to the moving company, " it's always with great reluctance. I simply do not know where else to look.

Alright enough negativity. I'm not like that. I have carried myself to a certain standard that I am proud of. I have my faults like anyone else, but I know what and who I care about and that means a lot to me. I have wanted to develop myself in character as well as some more noticeable abilities such as writing and maintaining a logical analytic mind. I also consider myself as a somewhat witty, creative type. I have vision and I work for professionalism in everything I do. Haha... There's a line almost straight from a cover letter I would write. I was never taught how to write a cover letter, mind you.

I guess I mean to say that there is a lot that I am a bit anxious about. In a little less than 2 months, I will no longer be able to put "student" as my occupation as an excuse for not having any income. I will likely be unemployed, and I am taking the time and effort to write this all out because it simply means a lot to me. I look forward to having that beautiful family of my own. Nothing wrong about that. (blogging this much about that... maybe.) It's more proof that I aim to live in the moment and I am not afraid to open up. (You don't know me.) I hope those who care most about me do read this and I am very surprised to hear when people tell me they do read this thing (even more so when I have been told that they have looked to start writing their own! - please do!)

Although I would hope that this blog enlightens many about the world of cycling and my world therein, I know it is rare that I will share more about myself on a personal level. Yes, I will sometimes let my excitement boil a little over on this blog, but it's only with some in mind that I do. You ought to now who you are. I hope to keep it like that. I have said a lot here, and I hope you appreciate it as simply me venting a little. Some stress is good and I will not let myself to be consumed by it all. I am still going to graduate in May and I will still find a job doing something. I will live past the possible boredom, annoyances, and uncertainties that my first 1, 2 or 7 jobs may provide. Thank you so much to those who have read this terribly pointless post all the way through. It means a lot. Don't think I have not thought to just close this window, ignoring what I have written. It means something to me, though. Also, please don't think I am so egocentric that I do not relealize there there are so many more important and worthwhile things to think, care, and spend time supporting than me...

If you feel so led, please do visit The American Red Cross and donate to support their efforts to help those in Japan or anywhere else they are supporting. Thanks again.

1 comment: